It's been nineteen weeks since I last updated this journal if the LJ stats are to be trusted.

I have a new writing LJ now, which would only remain visible to those who access it via my communities. My personal thoughts and meanderings have been recorded elsewhere on blogspot. Before, I used to write on my multiply blog but it was too public to do so and it breached my sense of privacy to the extent that I have decided to stop updating it at all. It seems to me that what I post in my little space in the cyberworld is too readily criticized to people who know me personally and have opted to take things personally. It's my space and I decide what to do with it. So perhaps the essence of anonymity or being known only to a few close people appeal to me.

Other than viewing my comms and replying to personal messages, I would most likely not update this journal anymore unless I change my mind, which I doubt (but then, I'm too impulsive and in-my-own-pace kind of person). I'm still using this account a lot though (notice the change of userpics every now and then) by joining/visiting/making comms but I don't use it to write what I think anymore. I have another blog for that and another one for my original fiction.

So, well, that's just about it. Good night, people. :)

Heath Ledger was found dead in his apartment in New York, January 22 at approximately 3 in the afternoon. He was lying face down and apparently a bottle of sleeping pills at his side. He was 28 and had just finished his role for the next Batman installment, The Dark Knight, starring as the Joker.

Kami-sama.

I have no words. This is just pure shock and disbelief for me. It's disheartening to have someone who's unknowingly touched your life to have passed away so suddenly. Besides the fact that I'm already sick right now, this news just makes my heart heavier with grief. It's like a silent kind of pain that creeps in your heart as tribute to an idol that you've never personally met but have been greatly inspired by their work.

You will greatly be missed, Heath. You've taught me so many things about life, love and all the strings attached to it. Maybe for once, I'll pray.

For a friend that has been made dearer by touching my life through his craft.

Amen.

A rainbow-colored monochrome sky.

Makes no sense, doesn't it?

It's precisely the way that I'm feeling these past few days. Sometimes, I feel I'm rushing through everything yet feel that I'm taking things too slow. Oh, sweet, sweet irony.

I thought about him and him for countless times for the past few days. It's one of the great oddities in life that I pretty much don't understand. How can I practically be so infatuated with two guys I don't even know. Heck, I don't even know the name of one. Then the other is just there in plain sight and hell, other than his name, I know next to none about him. We don't talk. Well, maybe we did once or twice but that's it. It's amusing how I get so flustered about thinking about such things. Then there came another one that isn't really someone I'd consider attractive but just seem to be rather drawn too. And it doesn't help that we've never talked to each other before and know only the other by face.

Besides my petty musings about boys and wasted flowers, I'm quite proud of myself and my team this week. Hell, we did a good job at the newsletter and it turned out mighty fine, indeed. Just hope that we can release it before the break. Also, adding another sparkle to my positive, cheery side, my uber-early table tennis and Filipino research class have free cut tomorow. How grand is that?!

Sometime this, probably o'er the weekend or the next, I'll meet up with a 'past' so to speak. I have no idea why I agreed to it in the first place but let's see where it goes. On a random note, I saw Sarah, an old friend this afternoon. I'll admit that I still did feel guilty for disruption of such a beautiful friendship but then, it wasn't entirely my fault anyway. Partly, it was my brother's as well. Somehow, I still wished that things had turned out differently and we still maintained that close relationship over the years. But alas, seasons pass and people change, can't distort that one.

Can't this week has been the worst in my eighteen years of existence but it's rather coming close. It's been stressful and busy with all the drama that's been going on with my circle of friends. And my mom's bitching again about how -useless- my talents are and proceeding to conclude that she's not at all interested in the things that I love to do. I just wanna give her a piece of mind, perhaps by failing a course or two to show her that grades and having a good reputation isn't everything. I'm not like her. I don't fake who I am just so people would like me. It's sickening, really when it's your own mother who's giving you such foul advices. But yadda yadda yadda, I'll stop there. She's not worth writing a whole journal about.

Anyway, I've borrowed another Murakami book, 'South of the Border, West of the Sun'. It's not as marvelous as his previous best-selling books such an 'Norweigan Wood' and 'Sputnik Sweetheart' but it's still worth the read. Also, our destination for our center community work was moved to another venue and it's this Sunday. You'd be stupid if you'd think I'm ecstatic about going. I'm dreading another experience like that. Anyhow, I've got to finish a rising stack of paperwork and readings.

I've had a chronic case of insomnia these past few days. Been feeling active and restless during the night while being irritable and lazy in the morning. But it's a good thing I've been getting more sleep now after about one-fourth of the storm had passed.

-from Ana R.~

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:
1. Grace
2. Raine
3. Vain

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33
MINUTES:
1. eat salad
2. played xbox with my bro
3. checked my inbox

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE THINGS TO DO:
1. making character sketches
2. writing my soon-to-be novel... xD
3. walking on my way home

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:
1. find your passion and pursue it.
2. don't take people for granted.
3. be real. don't be fake.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:
1. paralyzer - finger eleven
2. piece of heaven - weiss kreuz
3. you're beautiful - james blunt

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:
1. sexy smile = good set of teeth
2. glasses
3. bangs or sexy hair + dyed hair is a bonus~

THREE PERSONS YOU MISS:
1. sand
2. sky
3. L

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD LIKE TO RECEIVE:
1. a bouquet of lilies
2. a letter <3
3. copic markers!

THREE OF YOUR FAVOURITE HOBBIES:
1. writing fiction/non-fiction
2. making character designs
3. travelling

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR HOLIDAY:
1. cairo
2. piza
3. the temple of ten thousand buddhas @ cali

THREE FAVORITE THINGS:
1. funky rubber shoes
2. g-tec pen
3. my mp3 player

THREE GIRL'S/BOY'S NAMES:
1. Yvaine
2. Corinth
3. Wolfram

THREE MALLS YOU USUALLY GO TO:
1. trinoma
2. sm north
3. glorietta... hahaha. xD

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE FASTFOOD:
1. wendy's
2. chowking
3. dairy queen

THREE SCHOOLS YOU'VE ATTENDED:
1. st. mary's college qc
2. st. theresa's college qc
3. de la salle university

THREE FAVORITE DRINKS:
1. plain, clean water
2. bo ri cha or barley tea
3. soya milk

THREE THINGS FOUND IN YOUR BAG:
1. a bunch of writing materials
2. planner
3. cellphone

THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
1. plum
2. black
3. deep red

An Untitled Snippet

He laid on the bed cautiously, a free arm latching on to nurse his bruised ribs as he settled on the mattress slowly. The pillow was incredously old and rather flat and reeked of age and dust like his swollen feet who carried the dirt from the outside to his room. Unfocused eyes stared at the ceiling, as if looking for some meaning in those cracks and quivering light bulb. In his right hand, he held a stolen necklace with a simple star pendant and his fingers unconsciously gripped it tighter, as if afraid someone would yank the chain away. Tomorrow, he thought, tomorrow I shall give it to her.

However, he was alone in that room though not quite for the man felt that the shadows were watching him and every hint of sound made his heart leap and pound faster. Outside, it had just stopped raining though the wind had made no sign of stopping its cool breeze, harshly blowing the once rose-colored loosely hung curtain away as it landed just beneath the bed.

There was no hint of illumination tonight, just the meager moonlight which barely reached the scarcely furnished room. The man lying on the bed closed his eyes slowly -breathing in, breating out-, repeating the process until he was lulled by Hypnos to slumber. He did not move in his sleep for his side had hurt too much but his back and neck was strained from the lack of support and movement.

And in his hand, he carried the last memorabilia of his dying daughter who wanted to catch a falling star.

10/21/2007

My cousins left early this morning and I was able to see them off before I headed down to school. I was there by 8am and borrowed some reference books for French because I didn't understand the sentence constructions and some expressions. And then, class went on as usual. I chatted with Mlle Suzanna before class and asked about some possible French movies that we could have for our class during our free time organized by our org. I was quite surprised that we were able to understand each other well.

And then came the party. We ate at Pizza Hut for Maine's birthday and went on to watch the pep parade and eventually ended up camwhoring all night. It was quite humid and the venue was a little too crowded for my taste and so Ana and I came home by 7pm. However, when we were riding the LRT, someone had committed suicide by jumping on the riles or some building. We had to take a jeepney from there to go to MRT.

It was one helluva an adventure~ Eventually, we ended up eating at McDonalds for a while then riding the MRT. Haay... I'm just so dang tired right now. And thinking of all the things I have to do for next week is giving me a migraine.

And alas, I really miss them right now. Home just seemed a little colder and emptier when I got home. :(

I'm supposed to be feeling tremendously nostalgic right now. They're leaving. Tomorrow early morning's the departure. I just brought some nice gifts for them on my way home.

Right now, I'm feeling numb, my mind devoid of emotion, like a blank piece of parchment, waiting to be written on. However, there's this sudden feeling of a deep-striking loneliness that dare not come to the surface. I know it's the kind that would manifest itself only after a week of letting go. I pretty much guess that this current feeling of numbness would be attributed to experience, to how much I've lost love ones so many times before and some even permanently.

I know I'll probably shed some tears for them tonight and I'm not quite sure if I'll be okay tomorrow. Especially for the party in the afternoon. If things get out of hand, I'll go home immediately. The problem with this is that with numbness comes repression. And every time you think about that object of loneliness, there's always a possibility that you'd break down piece by piece. Now, I know it wouldn't be that bad but it's just that everytime somebody leaves, a part of you goes with them.

The hardest thing about letting go is getting used to it. And that fucking sucks, most of all.